My lover is back from doing 'famerlee' stuff, but still very busy with family matters anyway. Lovely to be seeing him, but I don't like thought of becoming bitter and twisted, so felt need to review our situation.

On balance I'd still prefer to spend time with him than not and our feelings are the same, but stuff around wife and responsibilities seemed like they were feeling more onerous and he confirmed this. I have therefore decided it is not reasonable for me to continue an exclusive relationship with him.

To my surprise some time back I realised I wasn't jealous of what he had/did with his wife and am still not. I have been faithful because I love him. I still love him, but feel that the power imbalance is not a good one. Sounds very cold written down, but makes emotional sense to me. We will be together when we can, because that's what we both want, but if he cannot tell his wife and find a way of having me openly in his life I need to ensure I don't feel belittled or like a victim and this is my way of doing so.

It's important to me that my relationship with him is a positive thing that enhances my life - Otherwise what is the point? I am no longer waiting for him to acknowledge me and I intend to just enjoy having a lover whose company I cherish and be more open to any fun, frivolity, flirting and/or sex that may come my way...