More on infidelity from the Observer Woman mag.
'I cheated because I believe pleasurable sex between consenting adults is no big deal'
Lisa Hilton's 'cheating career' began in her teens. Now 31, she looks back in languor at the pleasures of the forbidden and the thrill of transgression.
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman

So here's the big confession, the one which will produce all the indignant hate mail I won't already be getting for saying that fidelity's for mingers. I cheated because I liked sex. I cheated because I truly believe that pleasurable sex between consenting adults is not that big a deal, but often the men I loved, the men I wanted to spend time cooking and watching films and going on holiday with, didn't see it that way. I broke their trust and destroyed their hopes because I wanted to get laid, and I didn't stop until I met a man whose pain mattered more to me than my own pleasure.

That's not very nice, but then cheating isn't nice. Drug users don't smoke crack because they plan on dying in a pool of vomit in a public lavatory; they do it because it's fun. Which is the one factor missing from every last sordid confession of the ousted cheater. Infidelity necessitates hypocrisy, but perhaps the worst form of dishonesty is not admitting you enjoyed it.

I thought "I broke their trust and destroyed their hopes because I wanted to get laid, and I didn't stop until I met a man whose pain mattered more to me than my own pleasure." summed it up. I wonder if this article was more acceptable because writer was 'reformed' character?

Just read this article in an Observer mag and found it quite intriguing.

Is anyone faithful any more?
American writer Pamela Druckerman knows all the rules of infidelity. She spent three years studying adulterers, from Paris to Tokyo. She tells Polly Vernon why she thinks us Brits are getting it wrong.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman

Lust In Translation is an excellent book. It's funny, it's compulsive, it's surprising, it's the million soap operas that make up other people's love lives. But it also raises an important issue. At the core of the book is a possibility: does fidelity matter that much? If we're all cheating, or thinking about cheating; if other countries and cultures have completely different attitudes towards it, if some of them honestly don't associate infidelity with guilt ('I'd ask them if they felt guilty about their affairs, and they actually couldn't understand the question!'), then why has it become so taboo in the UK, and are we doing ourselves a massive disservice in making it taboo?

Druckerman's book is written from the perspective of an American - and America is famously high-minded about infidelity. A 2006 Gallup poll discovered that Americans are more comfortable with polygamy and human cloning than they are infidelity; the whole Clinton-Lewinsky furore hinged on the idea that Bill Clinton had cheated on his wife, and that this automatically meant he was capable of all manner of depravities, and thus unfit to be president. But Druckerman thinks the UK increasingly embraces the American ideal on infidelity by buying into what she identifies as 'the American script'. The 'script' is our communal idea of affairs, and of how an affair and the aftermath of an affair should be played out; a blueprint, almost. It dictates our behaviour in an affair situation to a terrifying degree, even when it's contrary to how we actually want to act.

For the aftermath of an affair, the American script goes into overdrive. 'Well, there's the one-strike-and-you're-out rule: an affair, even a one-night stand, means a marriage is over. That's a very American and British idea. I spoke to women who, on discovering that their husbands had cheated, immediately packed a bag and left, because that's "what you do". Not because that's what they wanted to do - they just thought that was the rule. They didn't even seem to realise there were other options. And then - all those people who discover an affair, and then say: "It's not the cheating, it's the lies I can't stand!" I mean, really, like they're reading from a script!'

The coda to the American script - and, increasingly, in the UK - is the inevitable recourse to therapy. 'This idea that the only way to mend the relationship post-affair is through therapy, is unique to the American script,' says Druckerman.

Druckerman talks about the 'entrepreneurs' who build a business on the aftermath of infidelity - the therapists and couples counsellors. She points out that there's an entire industry with a serious financial stake in upholding the idea that cheating is desperately serious, a symptom of a deeply flawed marriage, of two people who need to be cured.

Question: how did you actually feel while the people were discussing their views on the infedilities of their partners and the consequences of that for them. I hear from what you say that you worked through your cognitive raison d'etre.

My question lies purely in my deeper curiosity about the life you live and the mixture of roles that you have and how all this sits with your deeper and broader range of feelings.

We all want more when we have less, it is the nature of the beast. It also maintains heightened interest. You may find that if you did have lots more time to be leisurely together, you might just be that - leisurely with less excitement in your lives. At this point in your lives, what you have is likely to be what you want.

My friends have moved on, and were not discussing infidelities from raw place, but did point out longterm effects on trust. One ex was was serial philanderer and I don't know details of other one - Just he did it, she knew and he was out. Such discussions make me uncomfortable, because I try not to deceive myself.

When I fell for lover I ended a longterm relationship because it became dishonest before I was technically unfaithful. As we were not living together although spending all our nights together it was not complex from practical perspective. I felt like a total cow for no longer loving a good bloke who'd done no wrong though. my lover has been married for thirty years and I didn't want responsibility of end of marriage if 'we' came to nothing, so began affair in deceit of his wife. He confessed and tried to leave, but couldn't in the end. he finished with me and did his best to be faithful, but became depressed. I missed having him in my life, because we were so attuned. It seemed mad for him to be doing the right thing and both of us missing each other and unhappy.

I hate it when the unfaithful claim that it is better for deceived partner(s) because deceiver(s) can be more generous/thoughtful/happy in relationship when getting needs met elsewhere, but sometimes there is truth in it. Their marriage trundles along better when he is not depressed and missing me. Not a justification for infidelity, but seems to be a fact as far as I can tell.

I am living my life short of my own ethical code, but do not feel actively guilty most of the time. I do not consider the marriage to be healthy for reasons I wouldn't discuss here, but know that's merely my opinion. I think she has rights within her marriage and right to dignity, but obviously I don't value these rights enough not to be a co-respondent. And of course if marriage was sounder he would not be doing what he's doing. Being tempted by available sex in longterm relationship is understandable, but this is rather more than that.

I saw a couple of old friends last night. Both have had partners' infidelity lead to break up and both have children from said relationships. Although I have given a lot of thought to my lifestyle, I am very aware of damage caused by infidelity.

We had interesting conversation about how I'd feel if lover was 'available'. As I'm not a serial-mistress, nor did I go into this lightly I'm not in relationship for illicit thrills. I'd be lying if I denied there is some excitement to being a mistress, but it's not basis of relationship. It so happens that the limited time adds something to relationship, but I have friends with complicated lives who also have 'snatched' or limited times with licit partners.

What my lover and I hate most is deception, but obviously not enough to change things, so not making moral claims here - We know what we're doing. We both feel we met our soulmate at the wrong time, but accept that as reality and admit selfishness in having relationship. Despite frustrations I like having our time together and the time I get to myself. I'd like more time together, but I do honestly have a nice life for which I am grateful. Would be nice to be properly together but back to moon and stars stuff.

...but it's rather lovely...

I used to joke about being in a rut and how much I enjoyed it.

And here I am a mistress, in a precarious career/work place and happily watching the days go by.

I have been very content with minimum work and seeing my lover several times a week (although the time always goes too quickly). I am blessed that mostly I feel contentment. I love our time together, whether shopping for bird food, deciding the best caff in Canton, having wild sex ( We are an illicit couple after all! ), snoozing or fixing my computer.

I'm going to have a few months as a part-time wage-slave soon, so will have to cut back on our time together. But it does mean I can continue to eat and pay my bills while awaiting various bits of project work.

I shall miss my rut...

PG you can keep your clothes on till after 11.30 but...

What kind of clothes did you have in mind?

What if the man is very late ????

Is it your computer that is on the blink?

Well, as we had to keep respectable for about an hour (possibility of Council Man appearing in garden as he's calling about boundary fence)I thought it would be fun to dress up a bit to make it more fun. So plan was proper lingerie and borderline respectable/saucy top-dressing. In the event I woke up bleary and headache-y so went for simple, but sexy summer dress and plain black knickers!

Man was a bit late, but lover and I were both feeling more mellow than passionate so that was OK. We went for lunch (Lover and me! We didn't invite Council Man!)and managed to raise some passion before he went home!

I lost sound on computer for ages - Computer told us all drivers present and working but still no sound. Now fixed and I'm currently listening to Pandora...
http://pandora.com/
Pandora is fab! You have to pretend to live in America to access, but it 'builds' a radio station based on your musical tastes. Mine is a bit split-personality, because I have no definite music tastes, but good fun.

I've had a couple of nice afternoons with my lover. He's done some DIY and cleaning for me and sorted out some computer problems. I've cooked rather nice food and we're both responsible for chatting, chilling and anything else in the bedroom

Tomorrow we're going to have a few hours in Swansea doing some errands, having lunch and looking at computers. Hope the rain keeps off for long enough to avoid soaking. Lots of rain in Cardiff, but seems to be worse in Swansea.

And Friday is our 'date' day, except I'm seeing man from Council about my fence so must remember to keep my clothes on until after 11.30....

Managing to see my lover quite often which is very nice. I have just enough money to keep ticking over and not having to panic. Nothing terribly exciting or notable happening and I am content. I realise I am lucky to be so.