And here I am blogging directly and risking losing connection, entry or premature posting -see 'Limbo'!

Well, he did arrive! I'd not got round to 'Bat Out of Hell' as I was tuned to Radio Wales for snow updates instead. I half-told myself he'd have rung if he couldn't make it. And when he arrived he said that's what he would have done - But in our circumstances you can never just assume such things, and he didn't say he'd ring if stuck...

We had lovely time together, but I can't see him tomorrow as he has funeral to attend. And of course he must go. I want to be gateful for the starsand not cry for the moon, but it is difficult sometimes...

Isn’t it strange how something becomes the norm so easily? I was blogging my heart out when my computer went down. Frustrated I decided to do short blog about being cut off, but having got computer back up I discovered that BlogUK is offline for updates or whatever.
Now as writing is therapeutic I can write it just as easily in a word doc and thanks to the magic of copy and paste, I can even blog my rambling thoughts later - but I miss the text box and template of the site! Having had the occasional lost message due to vagaries of site writing here makes more sense, but it doesn’t seem to be about logic. It’s the same with emails to my lover. Somehow the format is part of the ritual and I guess the likelihood of losing my words is part of the ritual.
With emails sent from the wonderful Mozilla Thunderbird there is a ‘Save’ facility, but I rarely use it, somehow embracing possibility of risk and frustration. Computers/computing and cyber as metaphors for life? Never!

So what had I been blogging when so rudely interrupted? The difficulty of being a cock-eyed optimist and hoping for the best while preparing for the worst – Hmmmm...

My lover and I had joked and fantasised about being snowed in together, knowing he was more likely to get snowed in at home. The white stuff has arrived and I’m here and don’t know whether he’s going to get here but I know there is a good chance he will be stuck in Swansea. But I can’t be sure… And this was far more philosophical first time round but I don’t have heart or energy to replicate. While I am committed to my relationship to the point that I could actually even contemplate being a mistress, it is sometimes a challenge. And of course I know the moral implications of my behaviour, which is why it is so hard.

Being a mistress is interesting – There is little room between floozy/scarlet woman and/or victim but a mad swing sometimes from one to the other. I don’t go around announcing my role, but nor do I lie more than necessary in my own circles. It is easier to brazen out the scarlet woman stuff than take the sympathy and knowledge that others think I am probably kidding myself. On the scarlet woman front, nobody is going to come up with anything I’ve not thought of myself.

Meanwhile in the words of Steinman “The snow is really piling up outside” and I don’t know if my lover will make it, but I suspect not...

And this is such a different blog from the original, but that too is part of the ritual when my words disappear in metaphorical smoke.

And now having quoted ‘Two Out of Three’ I have the need for the ‘Bat Out of Hell’ experience! That I am wanted, needed and loved is sometimes no consolation for the uncertainty...