I shall be seeing in the new Year on my own - Not an issue as I like my own company. having had a busy time recently and not had a proper break for a while I was looking forward to doing very little, but think I might be turning back into the weird Woman of Fairwater!

Was quite nice having yesterday to myself, but a second day of my own company is making me more lethargic than relaxed I suspect. I have some bits of work that are not taxing that I intended doing by Tuesday, but I just lack the motivation.

I've had lovely day of radio and doing puzzles and did motivate myself enough to cook a 'proper' dinner - I went shopping recently to make sure I did some cooking over next few days. I also made a lovely leek and potato soup yesterday. But - in the words of the song - I just don't know what to do with myself!

Would be nice to do some 'proper' writing - I could write outline for book I have in mind. I could do several 'work' projects that will actually be fun. I could get to grips with the Power Point-type program I recently downloaded. I could read a book. Or watch TV. Or surf. Or sort out my mail.Or do the washing up...

I could take up drinking, but all I have is beer and wine and I don't like taste of either. I don't have any drugs in the house and I guess I'm a bit old for new bad habits. Ho hum...

Still - The Archers was exciting - Shan't say anymore out of respect for the Omnibus folk, but Wow! And something about Ruth and David to come tomorrow as well - as you can see the life of a modern mistress is non-stop excitement!

Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year and I'm sure I'll find some distraction soon.
Polly
xxxxx

Peaceful Easy Feeling
I like the way your sparkling earrings lay,
against your skin, it's so brown
and I wanna sleep with you
in the desert tonight
with a billion stars all around
'cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the
ground
And I found out a long time ago
what a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
I get this feeling I may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering
in my other ear, tells me
I may never see you again
'cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
'cause I'm already standing...
on the ground
oooo, oooo

My party went well - Quiet but pleasant. All but one couple left around eleven out of exhaustion or to relieve babysitters. last couple and I chatted until about one which was lovely. Did rudimentary clear up and got to bed after two. Had lie-in this morning and my lover came over for the afternoon. we had mad buffet lunch of party left-overs and jacket potatoes (Delia's way with oil and salt - Scrummy!)

Had a lovely sexy afternoon and the discarded stockings, heels and basque make me smile, but it's a bit sad as I won't see him for a week. He will be away visiting daughter and family so I'll miss my emails as well...

Had quiet evening to myself. More leftovers for tea! I'm ready for Indian and Chinese over next few days I think. I was going to watch some TV but everything at nine seemed to be recommended by the radio Times and life's too short for such decisions so I stuck with radio 4 and doing puzzles. Very relaxed.

Happy Wednesday!

I had family plus Auntie Gladys' friend Vera to lunch and tea and all went well. I remembered I'd forgotten the sausages on Christmas Day so I cooked those with fresh roast potatoes and parsnips. We ended up with turkey/sausage flavoured roasties and gravy which worked really well. Gravy was thick and nearly black which went with more sausage flavour.

I took my aunt and friend home as aunt had become a bit fragile - Only one glass of wine, but too much tea and chocolate cake and a fragile back. The staff at the care home were in melodramatic mood and said they were about to send out search parties as they didn't know where Gladys and Vera were! As getting my aunt to the car is quite a producion it was more a staff slip-up than anything I suspect. my sister confirmed that my aunt and vera had made their farewells even if they didn't apply for late night passes!

Today I had my third Christmas dinner - turkey, roasties, peas, carrots, sausages and stuffing with gravy - All leftovers reheated in microwave, but hottest dinner so far as I wasn't fussing over others. It was delicious! reheated roasties, like cold ones are really good.

Tonight I am having a party. Only about ten of us, but will be a nice get-together at ths in-betweeny time. I'm off to buy some wine, cocktail sticks and sausages. It's going to be very corny and I hope fun. A theme and fancy food seemed too much effort, so it;'s going to be 'traditional' food and silly games of the Charades and Trivial Persuit type. I did serve 'ironic' cheese and pineapple on sticks at last party and they disappeared almost instantly! I shall serve again without the irony!

And tomorrow I am seeing my lover!!! Have been exchanging emails and had chat on phone today.

My day went well. Lunch went to plan and I fed and watered my mother, aunt and siblings. Turkey roasted overnight and and no disasters.

My one sister and I went for walk in afternoon leaving others with TV. had a wander around Roath Park. The rose garden is somewhat bare, but lots of waterfowl on and around the lake. nice to see people out for their constitutionals - Even saw a couple of kids on new bikes.

Later I gave family tea and they went off leaving me in time for Archers. If they'd started watching soaps they'd have been here most of evening, so I think they missed first EastEnders. House looking quite festive and it's lovely to have it quiet again. I've not really done anything else.

My aunt is in a home and apparently her friend isn't seeing anyone as she doesn't have family so I've said she can come here for her lunch and tea tomorrow. Apparently she likes her gravy thick and swede doesn't agree with her!

I've had second message from my lover, but not the first! For some reason NTL seem to be refusing to send me some of his messages, although he receives ones from me and if he sends from a Hotmail account they get through.

Merry Christmas/Nadolig Llawen!
Polly
xxxx

I'm feeling a cross between pissed off and sad - Not entirely logical, but how it is. I'd planned quiet day of getting ready for family Christmas tomorrow. I'm cooking and being hostess to siblings, Mum and Aunt.

My sister rang about getting our Mum new cooker as hers has broken. I agreed to keep her company in sorting. Meanwhile my sister had also agreed to go to tesco's for bananas and to collect my mum's £10 winnings from scratchcard. I freaked at idea of going to Tesco's as I'd completely done my planning to avoid having to do such a thing. my sister talked about me waiting in car etc, but then decided against it because of my attitude.

We went to Comet's and Curry's and got a Baby Belling type thing which my sister bought. Difficult to get there because of Tesco traffic so I feel justified, but still Scrooge-like. I just feel like I've 'lost' my day. I didn't mind re cooker, but refusing to go to Tesco's just made me feel unreasonable despite justification.

I have sinkful of dishes and not spent day pottering as planned. Also I need to visit a friend to take present for her daughter. It was intended as a treat, but because I know she's having an anxious Christmas it now feels like a task rather than a pleasure. . And to top it all I have less cash than anticipated so will need to go to Cashpoint. Bah! Humbug!

I know I'll be fine - just feeling robbed of day I intended having and missing my lover.

On a positive note, I am looking forward to waking to smell of roast turkey as I shall be cooking overnight and know that I'll give everyone a nice time.

Happy Christmas, Everyone!
Polly
xxx

ps the ads on my preview were:
"Improve your lovelife"
"Overcoming Infidelity"
and
"Where did the love go?"

...Sort of...

My lover and I have just had 'our' Christmas. Even when I wasn't in an illicit relationship I've had private christmases as I've tended to do official christmas with my family, while my partners have done the same or we've alternated between families - Either way it's nice to have a private Christmas.

my lover and I are raving carnivores with simple tastes and both like lamb best so High days and Holidays are celebrated with roast lamb dinner. Today's was very simple - roast lamb with roast potatoes and parsnips, boiled carrots and sprouts and proper gravy - lovely!

We've both got rather good at sussing out presents for each other and lots of stockingfillers like magnetic cats, Pooh Bear stuff and a bendy pencil(for him) and puzzlebooks, crystals and worry-dolls (for me)as well as 'just right' books, art stuff and music for each other.

I like to get into festive mood with silly/naughty clothing like saucy underwear and pinny combo, but this year genuinely too tired so spent day in my nightie! Luckily he found that quite acceptable and we had lovely lazy and quite sexy day together.

I've not got up all my decorations, but enough to make it festive. I have fairy lights and lanterns outside. My hallway has a wooden cribset and fairy lights. Living room has mad fibreoptic tree that is like a bare deciduous tree from which I hang baubles. I've also strung fairy lights around walls at picturerail height and have cards up. I also have another crib set that's mad assortment of old figures that belonged to my parents until they got new set. oddly both cribsets seem to be missing Joseph so have shepherd substitute - certain irony of stand-in for stand-in as it were!

One of the good things about doing the decorating later than most people is that it gives me a buzz for my unofficial and official Christmas and I don't get bored of them. I'm a traditionalist so they'll be ther until Twelfth Night - BTW - Can any pedant out there tell me why Epiphany/Twelfth Night is actually thirteenth day?

all this stuff on celibacy has made me think so I've decided to write about it as mentioned...

I am not currently non-sexual, but I have been at different stages of my life - Mainly between relationships and during long periods within one relationship. By non-sexual I mean non-practising rather than lacking libido or interest.

While I have no problems with one-night-stands in principle, the opportunities to indulge when single are limited - especially if you want it to be someone with whom you'd want to be able to have a conversation afterwards!

I think non-sexuality within a relationship is a far more interesting topic and takes me back to the earlier piece about desire.

As friends read this, I will be discreet, but as said, I did once have a relationship where sex more-or-less ceased. I'm aware that some couples are happy to move to a new celibacy and I see that as perfectly fine.

Where there is an issue is where one partner is drawn towards celibacy and the other is left with limited choices. When one is in a relationship that functions well and love continues it can be hard to make demands and I personally found it faintly embarrassing to feel I was missing out when my partner obviously did not.

There can be something that seems almost immature about it when one's partner has apparently "developed beyond" sexuality. And of course there can be good reasons why the partner feels this way to do with experience, health etc. And I realise that this attitude of not caring may well cover up a sense of loss - Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

For me, missing sex felt that sexuality was somehow being given too much importance and so I can see it is easy to let one's own sexuality wither if one does not make a stand. Funnily enough a line by Mariella Frostrup a while back brought all these issues up for me many years later. She commented on someone in a not dissimilar situation and said that while losing interest in sexuality is something that happens to many of us, accepting it when it is unilateral is simply not good enough if we care about our partners. I think she is absolutely right, but at the time I was far too self-conscious to think in such a way.

I choose to talk about celibacy and I get ads for improving my sex life, practising infidelity and spotting it- infidelity that is - not my sexlife!

The Kitzinger book is "Woman's Experience of Sex" ISBN: 0863180132
http://www.amazon.com/Womans-Experience-Sex-Sheila-Kitzinger/dp/0863180132

And other book is anthony Storr's "Solitude":ISBN: 0345358473
http://www.amazon.com/Solitude-Return-Self-Anthony-Storr/dp/0345358473

I found rather interesting critique of it that labelled it interesting and annoying - Sums it up in a way!
http://www.sharelynx.net/web/BDavey/Solitude.htm

Of course as a fully committed mistress I'm not necessarily promoting celibacy, but I do like to see it given respect as positive choice for some...

I just gave a very p*ssed man a lift home. he was struggling up from gutter and I wanted to check he was OK. He was - he was just verra, verra drunk!He seemed barely capable of walking and harmless so I gave him lift down road. He was hardly able to stand or put words together, but when I dropped him off he asked for my phone number! I told him he'd not remember it, but was very amused that he asked.
Merry Christmas Robert, whoever you are!

I really liked Sheila Kitsinger's book on sex, because it acknowledged we were not all young, beautiful, able-bodied and/or straight. It also had celibacy as a sexual choice and not necessarily an asexual one.

Storey's book 'Solitude' was also interesting about passion and energy - Acknowledged that work, art, religion, charity and friendship could be equally healthy outlets as romantic love and sexual expression - it is modern (post-modern?) obsession to see that sexual/romantic relationship is central to psychological health and well-being.

And so to bed after the night shift!
P
xx

The writer about desire was Esther Perel

'Love,' she announces, in dramatic tones, 'needs closeness and intimacy and familiarity to flourish. Desire does not. Desire needs distance, insecurity, novelty and surprise. Desire needs tension, breaches and repairs. Love is not comfortable with fights, but desire needs fights. Fights generate energy, erotic energy - and this is not just desire for sex, but a general exuberance and vitality, an élan, an aliveness! We often judge couples on the amount they fight, like: "Oh, they have such a good relationship! They never fight!" And yes, I know of couples who never fight and do have a very good relationship - but they also have a sex life that is somewhat flat. Desire needs fights! Intimacy - that is, emotional intimacy - inhibits erotic expression. Desire needs edge! Love needs absence of sexual threat, but desire? Desire needs to know there are other options out there for your partner, that your partner moves out there in a sexual world when they are not with you, a world of other people who look at them, sexually. Love needs talk. Desire needs not to talk. Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. In order to maintain a sexual edge in our relationships, we must learn to tolerate this void, these uncertainties. I wrote this book because, in 22 years of practice in six different languages [Perel speaks eight, but teaches, lectures and practices psychology in only six], I've met couples over and over again who were having a good relationship, who love each other, but who have no sex, no tingle! I met couples who had a bad relationship, and who I helped to have a good relationship again, and the expectation was that the sex would just come back - but it didn't. I began to think there's something in this premise - that if sex is wrong, the relationship is wrong; and equally that more talk, intimacy and closeness will equal more sex, better sex - that just doesn't work. I knew I was on to something.'

'You know one thing, when I ask people: when was the last time you looked at your husband or wife, and you felt desire. And you know what they always say? Not: "When we were like this [she holds a hand up, very close to her face], staring into each other's eyes and holding hands." No.

It's always: "When I saw her giving some talk or some presentation, like at work or something, and she didn't even know I was there." Or: "When he was about to go windsurfing, and he was so in his own mind and doing something that had nothing to do with me or the kids." It's when they see the distance between them, when they recognise that person as completely separate from them! That's when they feel erotic desire. And that's what you must keep in a relationship, to keep the sex.' I think this is possibly one of the truest things I have ever heard.

I can't get link to work. Article is "So How Is Your Sex life These Days" by Polly Vernon in The Observer Woman magazine

It's nice to catch up with folk. And lovely to have been missed. My lover is amused by my interest in Blogland and my pleasure at interaction. We decided me following lives of other bloggers was to him what flyfishing is to me - I know it gives others pleasure but I personally don't 'get' it.

I can't believe how busy I've been, but quite exciting after the main job disappearing overnight. I'm hoping for an interesting and exciting 2007.

Meanwhile my lover is wonderful and even if our time is limited it is good just to be together when we can. As my friend N said - I get his quality time.

Following redundancy I've had spate of activity that will keep the wolves from the door (excepting any with red roses, of course! )for a little while. I write loads of blog entries in my head, although they don't reach here.

Today I did a piece of freelance work with my lover and I thought we did awfully well. Can't remember if I wrote about following already, but in my defence I'm very tired after a 13 hour day - Anyway i read article about long term relationships and making them work - Author said we most fancy our partners watching them through others' eyes and not in obvious intimate situations. Seeing them being impressive 'out there' is a turn-on. Having only worked with my lover in recent times I know what she means....

I shall catch up with friends' blogs soon.

A sleepy Polly...
xxxx