Had an exchange of emails with my lover as usual. One of the advantages of not being together more is the regular writing and phonecalls as well as time together in private and public. It means we communicate at many levels.

Although I am quite an open person and can talk about sex generally quite happily, I am more reticent about the personal stuff, especially within a relationship. As writng has become an erotic art at times (between the trivia and emotional stuff) we have become quite frank in a way I've not known before - Nothing crude - but honest and reflective. it's nice to say what we enjoyed and how as well as fantasies triggered and future plans...

Of course we miss each other, but there are compensations.

…but Polly didn’t!

I trustingly wrote directly here and lost the lot. It’s a bit disheartening to start again. This does happen to me in emails as well, so I should have learnt but I obviously haven’t. Oh well.

I got a “Goodnight” email from my lover this morning:D – Sent at 1.20 as he fell asleep downstairs. He usually sends one and I do tend to wait for them. We usually exchange a few emails a day and see each other two or three times a week. Because of circumstances we meet in the week so are used to being separated over the weekend. We’ve talked about active and passive missing of each other – The passive is the background “Wouldn’t it be nice if we were together” and the “S/he’d like that/be amused by the other etc”. Active is when it is harder to bear and interferes with everyday life making us gloomy rather than nostalgic – more bitter and less sweet. And this has interestingly gone off in another direction from the original posting I lost!

I’m not sure how in original posting I got onto sex, but I did and more or less said that sex is important to us (and wonderful) as it probably is to others in our position but it isn’t the main thing. This was brought home to me when we split up.

He had tried to give his marriage a fair chance so ended our illicit relationship. He also hated not having me in his life. After I’d recovered enough we thought we could be friends. We have so much commonality and really do see ourselves as soul mates, despite the cringing that even writing that causes me! We were looking at the sea, eating ice-cream and I knew he was utterly contented. And when I crudely challenged he’d rather be doing just that with me, than having the most amazing sex with anyone else he agreed!

And so we are back to being lovers, but we have a lovely time wandering around Ikea or B&Q as well as being in the bedroom! And the bedroom is also about being “peaceful and easy” (as per “Eagles” song), chatting, chilling and just “being” as well as eroticism.

I shall write more of our history again. But for now suffice to say I enjoy life and my own company and I love being with my lover. I would prefer to have a 'legitimate' relationship, but as I can't I'm settling for the stars and not asking for the moon (Have I got that the right way round)

I am surprised how despite the drawbacks and the knowledge of deceit, being a mistress seems to fit in with my life. It is not something I ever imagined nyself doing. I am not a commitment-phobe and have a history of serial-monogomy. I've not actually been unfaithful and find it strange to be party to infidelity. I would be lying if I did not admit to the intensity and drama that I have discovered in my situation. And despite being a co-respondent I am usually reasonably honest. I do not need such intensity and drama, but I do enjoy them.

I am also struck by the amount of 'quality time' (hate the expression, but it's a useful shorthand)we have together. I have friends in more open relationships who seem to have far less uninterrupted time with each other than we do.